Batman: The Sitcom Series
by Miss All Saturday
Summary: The Batman characters in a 'sitcom-like' world.


Disclaimer: Batman belongs to DC Comics, Bob Kane and a bunch of others....but not I.  
  
Author's notes: Ever wonder what Batman would be like if it were a sitcom? I'm sure you haven't, but if by any chance you have, this is what it'd probably be like! Yeah, everyone is majorly ooc. ;; But this is a sitcom...everyone is loony in sitcoms.  
  
Batman: the sitcom series  
  
::Batman is doing stand-up comedy in Arkham Asylum's 'Comedy Night'::  
  
::Seinfeld theme plays in the background::  
  
Batman: Okay! Okay! This is a good one, guys! How many Arkham patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ..... Give up? Zero because they're all too stupid and crazy to do it!  
  
::Everyone in Arkham glares at him::  
  
Batman: What? Don't you people have a sense of humour? Sheesh!!  
  
Later in the Batcave...  
  
Batman: Why didn't anybody laugh at my jokes?  
  
Oracle: Batman, I have a hunch that the Arkham crazies just may not like you at all.  
  
Batman: Oh and why not?  
  
Oracle: Well...you did send most of them there....  
  
Batman: ::Sigh:: All I ever wanted...was for people to laugh at my cheap jokes. But can they? NO!  
  
Oracle: ::Rolls eyes:: Batman, maybe you should quit going to Comedy Night at Arkham... I think it'd be in everyone's best interest. Including me.  
  
::Nightwing then barges into the cave::  
  
Nightwing: Hey guys!!  
  
Batman: Ugh, I really need to get a lock installed in the cave.  
  
Nightwing: Guess what, Batman? I have a great money making scheme cooked up!  
  
Oracle: Money making scheme?  
  
Batman: Nightwing...I'm a BILLIONAIRE!  
  
Nightwing: So?  
  
Batman: I don't need to make anymore money.  
  
Nightwing: ::Looks at Batman as if he were crazy:: ANYWAY, this scheme involves getting Robin and Batgirl to dress up as chickens, then they have to learn to sing....  
  
Oracle: Okay, stop right there.  
  
Nightwing: What?  
  
Oracle: How is dressing anyone as a chicken going to bring in money?  
  
Nightwing: I'm trying to explain!!  
  
::Robin runs into the cave::  
  
Robin: Hey, there's trouble downtown!  
  
Oracle: I didn't get any-  
  
Robin: Oracle, there's trouble downtown and everyone but Batman has to go resolve it. Catch my drift?  
  
Oracle: OH!! That trouble downtown!!  
  
Batman: What? What trouble downtown?  
  
Robin: The kind of trouble we don't need you for.  
  
Batman: But I need to see to it-  
  
Oracle: No, you don't! Batman, how about you take the night off while we take care of the trouble downtown.  
  
Batman: B-but...!  
  
Robin: Yeah, maybe you could go hit the sports bar, Batman!  
  
Nightwing: I want to go to a sports bar!!  
  
Oracle: Nightwing! You need to go to downtown with us to take care of the trouble.  
  
Nightwing: What trouble?  
  
Oracle: AUGH! ::Pulls him by the ear:: Let's go, you two!  
  
Nightwing: Ow ow ow ow!  
  
Later at the Gotham Coffee House...  
  
Nightwing: Mmm! I love my cappucino!  
  
Robin: Ick! This needs more sugar.  
  
Batgirl: Cappucino....  
  
Nightwing: Why do they call it cappucino? Why not...'Yummy tasty drink'?  
  
Oracle: And why did we invite you here?  
  
Nightwing: Wait a minute! Why are we in the coffee house instead of downtown!? What about the trouble!?!? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! WE NEED TO THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!  
  
Alfred: ::Throws scalding coffee on Nightwing:: Master Nightwing, please control yourself.  
  
Nightwing: AHHHHH!!!!  
  
Oracle: Anyway, this is actually a meeting to plan for Batman's birthday which is tomorrow. Now this has to be the BEST party he's ever had too!  
  
Batgirl: Why did you wait until the last minute?  
  
::Awkward silence ensues for about five minutes until Catwoman walks in::  
  
Catwoman: Sorry, I'm late! Don't you guys just hate Gotham traffic?  
  
Joker: It's simply murder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Oracle: Joker, what the hell are you doing here?!  
  
Joker: Well, I need to go to Batman's birthday. Without me, it wouldn't be much of a party.  
  
Robin: He does have a point.  
  
Nightwing: We don't need psycho clowns at a party. Like that Ronald McDonald guy. UGH! Talk about psycho killer in spare time.  
  
Catwoman: Wait a minute! My friend's sister's stepmother's uncle's ex- girlfriend's dog's ex-owner's cousin's wife's grandfather's favorite niece knows OutKast! Maybe I can get him to come perform!  
  
Alfred: That would be wonderful! Master Bru-err..Batman is always listening to OutKast music in the Bat Cave.  
  
Oracle: It's annoying...but whatever floats his boat....  
  
Batgirl: I like...OutKast too.  
  
::Everyone stares at Batgirl::  
  
Batgirl: Wh-what?  
  
At the Gotham Sports Bar...  
  
::Batman sits at the bar, drinking beer and watching ESPN::  
  
Batman: I'm not needed anymore...Am I...?  
  
::Superman strolls in and sits next to Batman::  
  
Superman: Hey, Batman!  
  
Batman: ::Groans:: Superman...  
  
Superman: Great game, huh?  
  
Batman: You know what would be better?  
  
Superman: What would be Bat-buddy?  
  
Batman: You leaving.  
  
Superman: Come on! You never hang out with me or the other heroes!  
  
Batman: Maybe I would if you and Wonderwoman quit boinking infront of everyone...  
  
Superman: We don't 'boink', we make love.  
  
Batman: ....Even worse...  
  
Superman: Awww, Batman, are you...lonely?  
  
Batman: ::Glares at Superman:: GET OUT!!!!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Oracle: Robin, pass me the crepe paper.  
  
Robin: ::Tosses it to her:: There you go!  
  
Nightwing: This is going to be so much fun! I even got strippers!  
  
::Elektra, Storm and Spidergirl walk in::  
  
Oracle: OH NO! No more crossovers!  
  
Nightwing: Come on, Oracle, Batman would love these hot babes to strip and give him lap dances.  
  
Catwoman: AHEM! He has me for that.  
  
Alfred: And me in some cases.  
  
Oracle: See? He's already got bootie.  
  
Nightwing: Oh well, more for me!  
  
Catwoman: Guys, we have a situation.  
  
Oracle: What?  
  
Catwoman: I accidently booked Out Cast instead of OutKast.  
  
Oracle: Out Cast?  
  
::Polka players Out Cast walk in::  
  
Oracle: Oh crap.  
  
Robin: Jesus! Polka!!!  
  
Catwoman: Uhm, maybe Batman won't notice the difference.  
  
Oracle: Oh, I think he WILL. This party is turning into a disaster!  
  
Joker: HOO HOO HOO! LOOK AT MEEEEE!! ::Falls down the stairs of the Bat Cave::  
  
Robin: Whoa, Joker's really out of it.  
  
Oracle: Okay...we have a polka group named Out Cast instead of OutKast, a drugged Joker, sexy Marvel female characters and...Nightwing got pink paper plates and utensils instead of black.  
  
Nightwing: Why does it always have to be dark and scary? Why can't things be cheery for once around here?  
  
Oracle: ::Slaps her forehead:: NIGHTWING!  
  
Nightwing: Come on!  
  
Out Cast member: Time for a polka dance!  
  
::Polka music is played::  
  
Oracle: ARGH!  
  
Soon, in the streets of Gotham...  
  
Batman: I hates...my... ::Hic:: lifffe.  
  
::Batman bumps into Commissioner Gordon::  
  
Gordon: Batman?  
  
Batman: Commish!...Nice to...se...see...yaz. ::Hic::  
  
Gordon: ::Shakes head:: Batman, why are you drunk?  
  
Batman: Nobody...nobody needs me....  
  
Gordon: What? You are needed! I was looking for you, dammit! Some punks stole my OutKast CD.  
  
Batman: OutKast?...Oh...I will g-g-get that...sonuva.... ::Hic::  
  
Gordon: Hey, Batman, how about I take you to the cave?  
  
Batman: H-how do you know where it is?  
  
Gordon: Well, Superman told me.  
  
Batman: That...bastard! I'm gonna... ::Hic:: kill 'im!  
  
Gordon: Batman!  
  
Batman: I...I...I meansh...hurt...'im...bad.  
  
Gordon: That's my boy!  
  
Later....  
  
Gordon: Why are all the lights out?  
  
Batman: OH NO! I BET THERESH GHOSTSHS IN HERE! AHHHHH!!!  
  
::LIghts suddenly turn on::  
  
Everyone: SURPRISE!!!  
  
::Penguin pops out of birthday cake::  
  
Penguin: Happy birthday, Bats!  
  
Batman: Wh-what...?  
  
Oracle: It's your...surprise brithday party...that really sucks.  
  
Robin: With pink plates and sporks!  
  
Batgirl: And...penguin in a cake.  
  
Batman: Wow. ::Hic:: Th-thish is so...good.  
  
::Emotional music plays in the background::  
  
Oracle: I guess I was so wrapped up in making you the best birthday party ever...I actually messed it up in the process.  
  
Batman: Yo, Oracle, it's...it's okay. ::Hic:: Thish may...be lame...b-but Batman still love you.... ::Hic::  
  
ScareCrow: And I love you, Batman.  
  
Batman: Awww! I love you too, ScareCrow!  
  
::The two hug::  
  
Everyone: Awww!  
  
The Riddler: What is really ugly, stupid and gay?  
  
Everyone: What?  
  
Riddler: ScareCrow!  
  
ScareCrow: YOU BASTARD!  
  
::Riddler and ScareCrow have a fight to the death as the others party::  
  
Catwoman: Sweetie, we even got Out Cast.  
  
Batman: Ooh...!  
  
Out Cast: HELLO! ::Play polka music::  
  
Batman: I...I gotta throw up... ::Runs to bathroom::  
  
The next day...  
  
Nightwing: That was some wild party.  
  
::Penguin lies next to Nightwing::  
  
Penguin: It sure was, baby.  
  
::The scene freezes as Nightwing turns to Penguin, a horrified look on his face::  
  
The End 


End file.
